Cow Tipping 101

1. If you’re from the city (i.e. you’re not familiar with rural America), then it’s worth noting that cows sleep standing up. So you’ll need to sneak into the farmer’s field sometime around 3:19 AM sharp after they’ve finally dozed off from a busy day of doing cow stuff.

2. Assemble a team. A full grown cow is going to be over 1,000lbs so you’ll want a minimum of 4 and a half people to push.

3. Bring measuring tape. You’ll see why below...

4. As much as you might want to, please do NOT wear your Jerrol’s Cow Tipping t-shirt. In fact, your best bet is to find full-body cow costumes to wear instead so that you’ll blend in and not alert the cows that are still awake.

5. Make sure your cow costumes come with realistic udders. The cows will notice you and blow your cover if you don’t have realistic udders. 

6. Once you’ve picked out your target cow, slowly approach with caution.

        -Pro tip: don’t approach a cow from the back. Their kick rivals that of an irritated rhinoceros. You don’t want to be on the receiving end of that.

7. Coordinate with your team so each of the 4 and a half people are equal distance apart

        -This is where the measuring tape comes in.

        -Your average cow measures 259cm from head to tail, which means that each member of your team should be 57.55cm apart from one another (measuring from the center of each individual’s chest).

        -If centimeters are too difficult to read in the dark at 3:19 AM in a farmer’s field, simply measure out 22.65748" from one another.

8. Assume the cow-tipping position with your feet shoulder-width apart and fingers outstretched for the best surface area.

        -Imagine someone is tossing you a cantaloupe and you have to catch it with one hand. That’s how your fingers should be. This is often referred to as "Cantaloupe-palms" in the industry.

9. Slowly whisper your count to 3 once everyone is in position so that each of the 4 and a half members of your team can hear you and prepare to push in unison.

        -When counting to 3, establish if it’s “1-2-3-PUSH” or “push ON the count of 3... like 1-2-3! and everyone pushes when you say 3.”

        -Also if you say “PUSH on 3” don’t count DOWN FROM 3. That’s annoying. Ya know? If you say “push on 3” and then start your countdown “3-2-1” then everyone will be like “wait was I supposed to push already? You said 3 at the beginning, I’m so confused.”

        -Whatever number you decide to count up to or down from, make sure it's an odd number and try to do your countdown at approximately 67 beats-per-minute precisely. If you just sing "Knockin' On Heaven's Door" by Guns N' Roses at the originally recorded tempo that'll keep you on pace.

10. After you figure out the whole countdown thing and everyone is pushing, give it everything you got... Because it’s a 1,000lb animal and won’t tip over easily.

11. Once you’ve successfully tipped the cow, quickly run away giggling and don’t forget your tape measure... Or the small child you most likely brought along with you because these instructions told you to bring 4 and a half people and you thought that a child would count as the half person.